Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Did You Mean To Say THAT?
The tender look in your eyes coupled with the gentle touch to my face as you spoke the words. "I love you...," but did you mean to call me by the wrong name? You searched my face, I could tell you were looking for my response, but I wasn't sure how to respond.....not to the wrong name. "I love you _____ ______." Was it some sort of test, and did I pass it? You spoke so tenderly, and I could see that love you stated when you put your last name with my first, but did you mean to say that?
Skin Deep?
"He is one lucky man, and I know beauty is only skin deep, but damn, you would have to skin her twice." I heard those words and tried so desperately not to laugh at the slurred "secrets" of a drunk man. I am forever amused by the looks, the glances, the want I see so clearly now that for years were never sent my direction. Yes, I see them now, and though I am appreciative, I know that people like you will never see my true beauty....the beauty that has been here all along. The beauty that took years to cultivate....like the oak......it impressed no one until it finally grew large enough to make you pay attention. So, I turn my head, smile, and find my "lucky man".......because he saw what was beneath the surface!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
What Do They Know?
Teenagers don't know anything, but man, they sure think they do! Do you know what one said to me just today? "The world don't owe you nothing, so you can't wait for someone to open doors for you. You gotta open them yourself." Can you believe that, talking to the class like he knew something about the world? Teenagers don't know anything, but man, they sure think they do!
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Pieces of Me
It really isn’t enough to simply write the words. Throwing the words onto the page with reckless abandon can be detrimental to the career and reputation of a serious wordsmith. It requires a careful, almost snobbish prejudice before settling on the perfect word. Creation of a world is not a task that can be accomplished by just anyone you know, and no one can tell this story as I can because I, and I alone, hold the secret ingredient. And what is it that makes mine so much different? It is the only one that contains pieces of me.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
A Friend's Betrayal
Each time you refuse to look at me....I can see it. Each time you don't speak.....I can hear it! Without even touching me, I can feel the betrayal and anger you harbor inside of you. But this time, you are wrong. I didn't do it, but........I am sorry. I am sorry they chose to keep me and let you go.
Proposal for Change
So it had finally come to this…..she always wondered how it would happen, and she had known for a long time that it would. Somehow, though, she had always suspected there would be some sort of warning, something that would clue her in before it all took place because he knew how she hated surprises: they were never good. “Just a drive,” he had said, and he had managed to do this….knock her to her knees even as she sat in the seat beside him looking directly into his face while the sun’s last light reflected off the lake before them. She wasn’t sure why the tears were rolling down her checks: she had always known this was coming, but she couldn’t stop the flow, the emotion, the uncontrollable need to hold on to him. So she didn’t even try to stop them, and grabbed him, holding tightly, her body shaking from the sobs now escaping as the tears fell heavily on his shoulder and neck, and between sobs she was able to say the only words she could. “Yes, I will marry you.”
Monday, May 19, 2008
No Team in Independent
The profile has a spot labeled "Team members"......HA! What team exactly? I am only one! Alone, yes, I alone work the page, tap the keys, write the words, create my reality. Who ever heard of such! This is not a team sport!
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Escaping the Marsh
As I reached my journey’s end, I hesitated-unsure that I wanted to continue and equally unsure that I wanted to put it all to rest. One final breath and I pulled onto the half mile drive. The gravel crunched beneath my tires and pinged against the underneath of my brand new car.
“Great!” I thought. “Coming here to forgive the old bastard, I still get grief.” I continued on thinking of all the injustices I had suffered in my twenty-five years at the hands of an evil, old man.
Despite everything my therapist had suggested, I was on the verge of turning the car around and heading the seven hundred plus miles back home when the house came into view.
“Damn! I may as well finish it now. Besides he’s probably already heard me.” James Lee Marsh, my poppa, lived so far from anyone or anywhere that the least sound was easily heard, even inside the old, two-story, plantation home.
As I stopped the car and began to get out, I recalled the last time I had seen him. I was fifteen and had just been told that I was going to have a baby.
I knew Poppa had a temper, but I had never seen such venom directed my way, not really anyway. His usual smiling face had become dark and distorted. His strong, square jaw trembled with rage and his sparkling blue eyes were like laser beams burning my skin as he glared at me. He spat foul, vicious names at me for the dishonor I had brought to our family.
He screamed, “No whore or bastard child will ever stand to gain one penny from me!”
He reiterated this point over and over as he drug my fifteen year old body across the hardwood floors and toward the kitchen and back screen door. My mind was filled with fear as my hands grasped and clawed to find something to prolong or prevent the destination he had in mind. Had it just been the door he was leading me to, I would have walked on my own feet, but Poppa was heading for the leather strap that rested, when not in use, on a peg by the kitchen’s screen door.
That leather strap had hung in the same place for as long as I could remember. It served as a deterrent and a reminder that Poppa’s way was the only way. I had never had that strap used on me, and I didn’t want to change that. I couldn’t stand the thought of it touching my skin, emphasizing his anger with every stinging blow.
He easily jerked my hands off each item I grabbed in my attempt to stop what was about to happen. Each strike felt like a thousand stinging bees and welts quickly oozed blood. Even as he swung the strap I crawled toward the door to freedom. Each inch brought me closer until I was finally able to make it. He continued to swing as I pulled myself up off the floor and stumble out the back screen door. His yells still audible as I began running from the door, the porch, the house, and essentially everything I had ever known. When I was far enough that I knew he wouldn’t chase me, I stopped to catch my breath. Leaning against the barn wall behind the house, I realized that at fifteen I was now completely alone. I was facing a world of shadows and uncertainty. And at fifteen, I had no idea even where to start, and so I started where most fifteen year olds would start-in an uncontrollable flood of tears.
I come back to the “here and now” as I stretch my finger out to push the doorbell. My insides are trembling and my breathing is shallow as I hear shuffling footsteps coming from the other side of the door. I hold my breath as the doorknob turns. It seems to take forever before I see a crack and then her face peering out at me. It was Sally, my Sally. She had been Poppa’s housekeeper-slash-caregiver-slash-cook for years. Well, in all honesty, Sally kept the Marsh Oaks home running like a finely tuned instrument.
I couldn’t help but smile as recognition came into her eyes. Her chocolate skin still had the same soft look, and her arms, I knew, could still ease away any pain. Her hand flew to her mouth and I heard a small gasp.
“Beth! Oh Lord! Thank you, Jesus! She done foun’ her way home agin! Oh my baby!”
Sally grabbed my neck and I let myself sink into the fleshy warmth of her. Unable to hold back the tears of happiness, I let myself cry. After what seemed ten minutes we pulled apart to survey the damage of the past ten years.
“You are still the mos’ beautiful child! Well, I guess you’se a woman now though ain’t you? Oh, baby, I’se so happy to see you!”
“Thanks, Sally! I have really missed you too!”
She asked if I needed a drink and then led me to the kitchen. I followed but paused at the door, unable to stop the scenes of my last time in the room. The strap had been placed back on the wall like it had never even moved and was waiting patiently for its next use. I couldn’t help but feel the chills as the darkness of that time in my life flooded the room and my body, but Sally didn’t seem to notice a thing.
“Sit on down here now. You want coffee or milk?”
“How about coffee with just a touch of sweet milk?”
“Aw-right then, lemme get you a cup.”
She busied herself at the counter, and I sat remembering all the times Sally had fixed me milk in the kitchen when I needed someone to talk to about whatever it was on my mind. It had been ten years since I had felt the kind of love that only Sally could give me.
We sat at the kitchen table for over an hour sipping coffee and catching up on the past ten years. I told her all about graduating with honors from Vanderbilt, finding a job at a top notch publishing company, and working my way to an editor’s position. My life had taken a good turn since I was forced to leave Marsh Oak Lane.
Sally relayed everything she could think of about former employees, area families, and distant relatives. I listened though many I couldn’t even remember from my time there. And then, I told her about Katie.
Her eyes sparkled when I spoke of the reason I was forced to leave everything and everyone I had ever known.
“Katie short for sumthin’ else?” A smile played at her lips.
“As a matter of fact, yes. It’s Katharine. I named her after Mama.”
“Oh baby. I knowed it. Miss Katharine got you sent here to begin with, and Baby Katharine gave you a way out. Thank God you found a way out!”
“Sally?”
“What baby?”
“You make it sound like you are glad I left. Are you? I mean, are you really glad I left here all those years ago?”
“Yes baby. I am glad.” She saw the look of obvious hurt all across my face and began to explain.
“It was the best thing that could have happened for you baby. If you had stayed here….” Her voice trailed off as she turned, trying to listen for something down the hall.
“Do you mean to imply that it would have been bad for me to stay here?”
“I ‘spect so. Yessem, I ‘spect so.”
“But why? What could have possibly been worse than having to survive on my own at fifteen years old?”
“Beth, baby, you know yore poppa always did have a temper. You were protected from it for a while because a part of him felt guilty ‘bout your mama’s death. Ummhmm. Yes, I believe he knew she drove herself off that cliff to escape him.”
“But I thought Mama always adored Poppa?”
“Oh baby, she did. But when she married yore daddy, yore poppa never tried to hide the fact he hated Mr. Eddie. That may be why Mr. Eddie left when you was only ‘bout six months old.” She sighed and rubbed her temples as though telling me the story pained her in some way. “Miss Katharine loved you so much, but yore poppa wouldn’t let her live her own life. He insisted that he knew what was best for her. Asked her hadn’t he already proved that by bein’ right about Mr. Eddie. She held him off as long as she could, but after two years, it was enough to drive anyone crazy.
“So Miss Katharine dropped you off one Sunday morning and asked me to promise to take care of you. I remember thinkin’ that was a strange question, but I promised her all the same. Said, course I’d take care of you. She smiled at me, hugged me, said ‘Thank you.’ And got back in her car and left. We got the call later that night. She had driven straight off Dedmon’s curve…the one on Highway 22. Right off that cliff-no skid marks-no sign she had ever even tried to slow down or stop. The police said it was an accident, but we all knew.
“You see, yore poppa has a way of holdin’ on just a little too tight to the women he loves. It was the same thing with Ms. Elizabeth. I know she was real sick, but I think she could have fought it. She chose to die early to escape Mr. Marsh. Lord, it drove him crazy that she wouldn’t fight no harder to live. “ Sally picked her cup of coffee up and took a slow sip.
“She died with a smile on her face though, yore grandmamma. Yes ma’am, she did.”
I was in shock at the story I had just heard. “I never knew all this, Sally. Why didn’t you tell me this before?” I was trying to get a grasp of what her words meant.
“Child, you were still a baby! Or at least that is what we all thought. That’s how come yore poppa hadn’t started to smother you yet. Lord, when you tole him you’s gonna have a baby, well, he knew at that moment he had already lost you. I’m not tryin’ to make excuses for him you understand. I am just trying to help you understand.”
Yeah, I got it. “I do understand, Sally.” My voice sounded cold even in my own ears, but then, James Lee Marsh had a way of taking all the warmth from me. “He’s a mean old bastard that destroys every woman who has ever loved him. I understand that perfectly. I understand that if he can’t control you then you are out….and he couldn’t control the fact that I was already pregnant. He thought it would break me, but I have just enough Marsh stubbornness in me that I would not let that happen! I was determined the old man would not destroy me. I don’t need a thing from him. That’s partly why I made this trip. I need to let him know that. I need him to understand that I don’t need Marsh money or anything else from him to be successful. “
I had to stop to catch my breath. “But Sally, I also came to forgive. I really do want to make some amends while I still can. I know it doesn’t sound like it, but I know before I can let go and completely move on with my life, I have to forgive him. I have to.” Even as I said the words, I wasn’t sure I could actually pull it off.
“I know, Baby. He’s not the man he was ten years ago, though. The stroke prevents him from walking and has slurred his speech slightly. He looks every bit of his seventy-eight years…..and then some.” She was listening down the hall again.
On some level, her last statement gave me satisfaction. Just knowing that his life had felt pain and loss even if it was physical rather than emotional, made me feel better somehow. He had gotten everything he deserved. But, the fact was, I needed closure of some sort, and this kind of thinking would never get me there.
In the silence a crisp “ding” resonated from the library. It was always Poppa’s favorite room. I remembered sitting there as a child at his feet for hours while he read to me all the classics on his shelves. Those were good days. I adored him, and he adored me. I would sit listening to his voice and watching his face. It always seemed to change as he became lost in the beauty of the words on those pages. I couldn’t help but smile as the memory flooded my mind. Yes, those were good days.
DING!
“Baby, I got to take yore poppa his afternoon coffee. You want me to tell him you here?”
“No Sally. In fact, why don’t you just let me do it. She hesitated, but I reassured her. “It will be okay. Please. I need to do this.”
I grabbed a tray with two cups, a little optimistic I knew, but I had to try, and started down the hall. At the door of the library I paused. I was suddenly afraid. So, I took a slow deep breath before knocking and letting myself inside. The room looked like a miniature version of the room I remembered. I guess that comes with growing up though. The shelves still reached the ceiling and covered every space of available wall space except over the fireplace.
When I saw him, I had to stop. The wheelchair was turned away from me, but I could recognize that man even as the half he had become. His hair was white but the size of his shoulders hadn’t diminished and even the stroke couldn’t remove the rigidness that is Poppa.
“It’s about time you bring my coffee woman. What were you doing in there?” His voice was just as strong and gravelly as it always was, there was just a slight slur that hinted at the stroke he suffered.
“I was talking to Sally.” I said the words much stronger than I felt at that moment.
“Wha-? Who is that?” The surprise was evident in his voice. He wasn’t used to surprises and I remembered that he wasn’t too fond of them. I walked around the wheelchair to the table in front of him and set the tray down. I looked up directly into his eyes.
“Hello, Poppa.”
The eyes that stared back at me were hard and cold. “Beth” He spat my name out like a bad taste in his mouth.
“Yes, it’s me.” My stare matched his in every respect. My blue eyes-ice like –were a mirror image of his own. I would not blink or back down from him. I am a grown woman and I would be damned before giving that power back to him ever again. And I couldn’t help but smile at his attempt to find whatever words he was struggling to find. He sputtered and stumbled trying to regain his poise.
Finally, he found them. “What are you doing here-now after ten years? You think you can just walk in, bring me some coffee, and I would just forget the last ten years? You brought a disgrace to this family, and now you think I’ll just forgive you for that?” There was anger in his words, but I thought I heard a certain amount of pain as well.
“Good” I thought, he needed to feel the pain like I had. Then I almost began to feel sorry for him, until he began to speak again.
“You think you can have forgiveness for that? For leaving us for ten years? No word from you! Nothing! And you just walk back in MY house like you belong here? You are a whore with a bastard child and you will never belong in my house again. You hear that? Never! So this time you walk out, and you don’t ever come back.”
As he spoke my anger-not fear-but anger rose to heights I never new existed. “ You listen to me you selfish, empty, cold-hearted shell of an old man! I didn’t come here for anything from you. You have nothing that I want or need. I don’t need Marsh money. I have my own. Do you understand me? I don’t NEED a damn thing from you! Nothing, Poppa! I have everything I need at home. I am a successful editor. I have things I need and many that I simply want. My beautiful baby girl has all she needs and more! And you know what? I did that! I did! Me!
“Yes, sir. I did it all without you. But the truth is,” my anger had started to subside, and I could talk a little more calmly now, “the truth is, I probably never could have done that here. And so, Poppa, I came back to say I forgive you.” My voice softened slightly.
“I forgive you for making it impossible for me to stay and for turning your back on me and on your great-granddaughter. I forgive you. Because you are the hateful, unforgiving man that you are….we are stronger and unlike the other women who loved you. You see, we will survive despite you! Katie and I will survive for years to come without needing a thing from you.”
Anger had crept back into my words and my heart. I stood over his frame---fist clenched, glowering, just daring him to fight back. Suddenly, I realized how frail he looked from that angle.
The anger disguised the slight draw on the left side of his face. Though I could see the hands, once strong and powerful…to the point of being frightening…until that moment, I hadn’t noticed the spots of age, the tissue paper that was really his skin, or the hand curled and gnarled….an obvious side effect of the stroke. He really wasn’t exactly the same. Sally had been right.
At the realization, I relaxed and calmed in one movement. “Poppa, I just wanted to say, I forgive you. Ok? There’s nothing you can do to me now. And I really am a better woman for the things you’ve done in the past.” I was trying to offer him something. I took out a picture from my jacket pocket and laid it on his table.
“She looks like Mama. She’s nine now, and she’s really excited to be getting a father next month. I’m getting married, Poppa, but I had to tell you these things first.”
James Lee Marsh had always been a hard, stubborn man, and he wasn’t about to let my words move him. And so he sat, stoic, like a statue just staring at the wall.
“Goodbye, Poppa. And this time I really won’t be back.”
With that I walked out. I wasn’t running away this time, but I was running. I was running toward the life that was out there for me, and for Katie. I was running toward the happiness that was out there for the both of us. “Yes,” I thought, “the therapist was right after all. I needed this. It was the only way I could move on. I had to accept my past and know it helped me to become the strong woman I am today. Yes, I had to do this.”
I stopped by the kitchen to tell Sally goodbye. She cried when I told her I would never be back. Then we both cried as we hugged for the last time. I did slip my card in her apron pocket with the numbers at which I could be reached.
She pulled it out and looked first at it and then at me. “Just in case, Sally. You ever need me, you ever need to leave this place. God knows I don’t know how you’ve stayed this long. Keep it in a safe place so you will know how to reach me. Okay?”
Tears still in her eyes, all she could do was nod as she placed the card back in her apron and reach for my hand one last time. She held it for a few seconds before the bell started ringing from the library.
“I better let you go tend to him. He’s still got a temper I see.”
“Not so bad these last few years, baby.” She was still protecting him. I never would understand that about her.
“Yeah, well, I got to go. I have people who love and need me and who are waiting for me back at home. I love you Sally. You have been a wonderful mother to me. I learned everything I ever really needed to know from you. Thank you for that. I love you. Goodbye.”
I turned without another word. I walked out the screen door knowing I would never be back. But this time there was no crawling and no fear. My head was held high. My eyes focused straight ahead, and each step was deliberate and confident.
I knew life would be much better now. The drive back was brighter, even in the light of dusk, I could feel the warmth of life ahead of me. No more gloom blocking the light from the world around me. No more blame for the things that had happened to me. It was time, here and now. No more excuses, and no more fear holding me back.
I had almost made it home when my cell phone rang. Still feeling the hope of what was ahead of me, I answered with a bright and cheery, “Hello!”
“Beth, baby.” It was Sally, and I could tell she had been crying, “He’s gone. Yore poppa passed sometime after you left. Doc Adams said it was most likely another stroke. But he was holding that baby’s picture when he passed. He’s gone, he’s really gone.” There was an uncertainty in her voice, but I wasn’t sure if it was directed at me or if she was just unsure where she was supposed to go now. She had worked at Marsh Oaks nearly all her adult life. It was going to hard on Sally, very hard. I listened and told her I would call when I got home to help set up arrangements. As the only living immediate family member the responsibility would be mine.
I hung up thinking about all that had happened in the last twenty-four hours and found myself
crying. Tears rolled down my face, and I had to pull over to the side of the road.
I cried for my mother and grandmother. I cried for myself and for Katie. And then, I cried for Poppa. I knew I loved him still, and it was sad to think his days ended so lonely. He spent his life trying to hold everyone else down and in place so he could stay in control…and it led him to becoming his own prisoner because he didn’t know how to let go and be happy watching those he loved spread their wings. I cried for an hour on the side of the road letting go of all the heartache of the last ten years. Finally I knew that the chains of James Lee Marsh were finally broken, and we were all free. Each of us, even Sally, was free…..and finally it felt good.
“Great!” I thought. “Coming here to forgive the old bastard, I still get grief.” I continued on thinking of all the injustices I had suffered in my twenty-five years at the hands of an evil, old man.
Despite everything my therapist had suggested, I was on the verge of turning the car around and heading the seven hundred plus miles back home when the house came into view.
“Damn! I may as well finish it now. Besides he’s probably already heard me.” James Lee Marsh, my poppa, lived so far from anyone or anywhere that the least sound was easily heard, even inside the old, two-story, plantation home.
As I stopped the car and began to get out, I recalled the last time I had seen him. I was fifteen and had just been told that I was going to have a baby.
I knew Poppa had a temper, but I had never seen such venom directed my way, not really anyway. His usual smiling face had become dark and distorted. His strong, square jaw trembled with rage and his sparkling blue eyes were like laser beams burning my skin as he glared at me. He spat foul, vicious names at me for the dishonor I had brought to our family.
He screamed, “No whore or bastard child will ever stand to gain one penny from me!”
He reiterated this point over and over as he drug my fifteen year old body across the hardwood floors and toward the kitchen and back screen door. My mind was filled with fear as my hands grasped and clawed to find something to prolong or prevent the destination he had in mind. Had it just been the door he was leading me to, I would have walked on my own feet, but Poppa was heading for the leather strap that rested, when not in use, on a peg by the kitchen’s screen door.
That leather strap had hung in the same place for as long as I could remember. It served as a deterrent and a reminder that Poppa’s way was the only way. I had never had that strap used on me, and I didn’t want to change that. I couldn’t stand the thought of it touching my skin, emphasizing his anger with every stinging blow.
He easily jerked my hands off each item I grabbed in my attempt to stop what was about to happen. Each strike felt like a thousand stinging bees and welts quickly oozed blood. Even as he swung the strap I crawled toward the door to freedom. Each inch brought me closer until I was finally able to make it. He continued to swing as I pulled myself up off the floor and stumble out the back screen door. His yells still audible as I began running from the door, the porch, the house, and essentially everything I had ever known. When I was far enough that I knew he wouldn’t chase me, I stopped to catch my breath. Leaning against the barn wall behind the house, I realized that at fifteen I was now completely alone. I was facing a world of shadows and uncertainty. And at fifteen, I had no idea even where to start, and so I started where most fifteen year olds would start-in an uncontrollable flood of tears.
I come back to the “here and now” as I stretch my finger out to push the doorbell. My insides are trembling and my breathing is shallow as I hear shuffling footsteps coming from the other side of the door. I hold my breath as the doorknob turns. It seems to take forever before I see a crack and then her face peering out at me. It was Sally, my Sally. She had been Poppa’s housekeeper-slash-caregiver-slash-cook for years. Well, in all honesty, Sally kept the Marsh Oaks home running like a finely tuned instrument.
I couldn’t help but smile as recognition came into her eyes. Her chocolate skin still had the same soft look, and her arms, I knew, could still ease away any pain. Her hand flew to her mouth and I heard a small gasp.
“Beth! Oh Lord! Thank you, Jesus! She done foun’ her way home agin! Oh my baby!”
Sally grabbed my neck and I let myself sink into the fleshy warmth of her. Unable to hold back the tears of happiness, I let myself cry. After what seemed ten minutes we pulled apart to survey the damage of the past ten years.
“You are still the mos’ beautiful child! Well, I guess you’se a woman now though ain’t you? Oh, baby, I’se so happy to see you!”
“Thanks, Sally! I have really missed you too!”
She asked if I needed a drink and then led me to the kitchen. I followed but paused at the door, unable to stop the scenes of my last time in the room. The strap had been placed back on the wall like it had never even moved and was waiting patiently for its next use. I couldn’t help but feel the chills as the darkness of that time in my life flooded the room and my body, but Sally didn’t seem to notice a thing.
“Sit on down here now. You want coffee or milk?”
“How about coffee with just a touch of sweet milk?”
“Aw-right then, lemme get you a cup.”
She busied herself at the counter, and I sat remembering all the times Sally had fixed me milk in the kitchen when I needed someone to talk to about whatever it was on my mind. It had been ten years since I had felt the kind of love that only Sally could give me.
We sat at the kitchen table for over an hour sipping coffee and catching up on the past ten years. I told her all about graduating with honors from Vanderbilt, finding a job at a top notch publishing company, and working my way to an editor’s position. My life had taken a good turn since I was forced to leave Marsh Oak Lane.
Sally relayed everything she could think of about former employees, area families, and distant relatives. I listened though many I couldn’t even remember from my time there. And then, I told her about Katie.
Her eyes sparkled when I spoke of the reason I was forced to leave everything and everyone I had ever known.
“Katie short for sumthin’ else?” A smile played at her lips.
“As a matter of fact, yes. It’s Katharine. I named her after Mama.”
“Oh baby. I knowed it. Miss Katharine got you sent here to begin with, and Baby Katharine gave you a way out. Thank God you found a way out!”
“Sally?”
“What baby?”
“You make it sound like you are glad I left. Are you? I mean, are you really glad I left here all those years ago?”
“Yes baby. I am glad.” She saw the look of obvious hurt all across my face and began to explain.
“It was the best thing that could have happened for you baby. If you had stayed here….” Her voice trailed off as she turned, trying to listen for something down the hall.
“Do you mean to imply that it would have been bad for me to stay here?”
“I ‘spect so. Yessem, I ‘spect so.”
“But why? What could have possibly been worse than having to survive on my own at fifteen years old?”
“Beth, baby, you know yore poppa always did have a temper. You were protected from it for a while because a part of him felt guilty ‘bout your mama’s death. Ummhmm. Yes, I believe he knew she drove herself off that cliff to escape him.”
“But I thought Mama always adored Poppa?”
“Oh baby, she did. But when she married yore daddy, yore poppa never tried to hide the fact he hated Mr. Eddie. That may be why Mr. Eddie left when you was only ‘bout six months old.” She sighed and rubbed her temples as though telling me the story pained her in some way. “Miss Katharine loved you so much, but yore poppa wouldn’t let her live her own life. He insisted that he knew what was best for her. Asked her hadn’t he already proved that by bein’ right about Mr. Eddie. She held him off as long as she could, but after two years, it was enough to drive anyone crazy.
“So Miss Katharine dropped you off one Sunday morning and asked me to promise to take care of you. I remember thinkin’ that was a strange question, but I promised her all the same. Said, course I’d take care of you. She smiled at me, hugged me, said ‘Thank you.’ And got back in her car and left. We got the call later that night. She had driven straight off Dedmon’s curve…the one on Highway 22. Right off that cliff-no skid marks-no sign she had ever even tried to slow down or stop. The police said it was an accident, but we all knew.
“You see, yore poppa has a way of holdin’ on just a little too tight to the women he loves. It was the same thing with Ms. Elizabeth. I know she was real sick, but I think she could have fought it. She chose to die early to escape Mr. Marsh. Lord, it drove him crazy that she wouldn’t fight no harder to live. “ Sally picked her cup of coffee up and took a slow sip.
“She died with a smile on her face though, yore grandmamma. Yes ma’am, she did.”
I was in shock at the story I had just heard. “I never knew all this, Sally. Why didn’t you tell me this before?” I was trying to get a grasp of what her words meant.
“Child, you were still a baby! Or at least that is what we all thought. That’s how come yore poppa hadn’t started to smother you yet. Lord, when you tole him you’s gonna have a baby, well, he knew at that moment he had already lost you. I’m not tryin’ to make excuses for him you understand. I am just trying to help you understand.”
Yeah, I got it. “I do understand, Sally.” My voice sounded cold even in my own ears, but then, James Lee Marsh had a way of taking all the warmth from me. “He’s a mean old bastard that destroys every woman who has ever loved him. I understand that perfectly. I understand that if he can’t control you then you are out….and he couldn’t control the fact that I was already pregnant. He thought it would break me, but I have just enough Marsh stubbornness in me that I would not let that happen! I was determined the old man would not destroy me. I don’t need a thing from him. That’s partly why I made this trip. I need to let him know that. I need him to understand that I don’t need Marsh money or anything else from him to be successful. “
I had to stop to catch my breath. “But Sally, I also came to forgive. I really do want to make some amends while I still can. I know it doesn’t sound like it, but I know before I can let go and completely move on with my life, I have to forgive him. I have to.” Even as I said the words, I wasn’t sure I could actually pull it off.
“I know, Baby. He’s not the man he was ten years ago, though. The stroke prevents him from walking and has slurred his speech slightly. He looks every bit of his seventy-eight years…..and then some.” She was listening down the hall again.
On some level, her last statement gave me satisfaction. Just knowing that his life had felt pain and loss even if it was physical rather than emotional, made me feel better somehow. He had gotten everything he deserved. But, the fact was, I needed closure of some sort, and this kind of thinking would never get me there.
In the silence a crisp “ding” resonated from the library. It was always Poppa’s favorite room. I remembered sitting there as a child at his feet for hours while he read to me all the classics on his shelves. Those were good days. I adored him, and he adored me. I would sit listening to his voice and watching his face. It always seemed to change as he became lost in the beauty of the words on those pages. I couldn’t help but smile as the memory flooded my mind. Yes, those were good days.
DING!
“Baby, I got to take yore poppa his afternoon coffee. You want me to tell him you here?”
“No Sally. In fact, why don’t you just let me do it. She hesitated, but I reassured her. “It will be okay. Please. I need to do this.”
I grabbed a tray with two cups, a little optimistic I knew, but I had to try, and started down the hall. At the door of the library I paused. I was suddenly afraid. So, I took a slow deep breath before knocking and letting myself inside. The room looked like a miniature version of the room I remembered. I guess that comes with growing up though. The shelves still reached the ceiling and covered every space of available wall space except over the fireplace.
When I saw him, I had to stop. The wheelchair was turned away from me, but I could recognize that man even as the half he had become. His hair was white but the size of his shoulders hadn’t diminished and even the stroke couldn’t remove the rigidness that is Poppa.
“It’s about time you bring my coffee woman. What were you doing in there?” His voice was just as strong and gravelly as it always was, there was just a slight slur that hinted at the stroke he suffered.
“I was talking to Sally.” I said the words much stronger than I felt at that moment.
“Wha-? Who is that?” The surprise was evident in his voice. He wasn’t used to surprises and I remembered that he wasn’t too fond of them. I walked around the wheelchair to the table in front of him and set the tray down. I looked up directly into his eyes.
“Hello, Poppa.”
The eyes that stared back at me were hard and cold. “Beth” He spat my name out like a bad taste in his mouth.
“Yes, it’s me.” My stare matched his in every respect. My blue eyes-ice like –were a mirror image of his own. I would not blink or back down from him. I am a grown woman and I would be damned before giving that power back to him ever again. And I couldn’t help but smile at his attempt to find whatever words he was struggling to find. He sputtered and stumbled trying to regain his poise.
Finally, he found them. “What are you doing here-now after ten years? You think you can just walk in, bring me some coffee, and I would just forget the last ten years? You brought a disgrace to this family, and now you think I’ll just forgive you for that?” There was anger in his words, but I thought I heard a certain amount of pain as well.
“Good” I thought, he needed to feel the pain like I had. Then I almost began to feel sorry for him, until he began to speak again.
“You think you can have forgiveness for that? For leaving us for ten years? No word from you! Nothing! And you just walk back in MY house like you belong here? You are a whore with a bastard child and you will never belong in my house again. You hear that? Never! So this time you walk out, and you don’t ever come back.”
As he spoke my anger-not fear-but anger rose to heights I never new existed. “ You listen to me you selfish, empty, cold-hearted shell of an old man! I didn’t come here for anything from you. You have nothing that I want or need. I don’t need Marsh money. I have my own. Do you understand me? I don’t NEED a damn thing from you! Nothing, Poppa! I have everything I need at home. I am a successful editor. I have things I need and many that I simply want. My beautiful baby girl has all she needs and more! And you know what? I did that! I did! Me!
“Yes, sir. I did it all without you. But the truth is,” my anger had started to subside, and I could talk a little more calmly now, “the truth is, I probably never could have done that here. And so, Poppa, I came back to say I forgive you.” My voice softened slightly.
“I forgive you for making it impossible for me to stay and for turning your back on me and on your great-granddaughter. I forgive you. Because you are the hateful, unforgiving man that you are….we are stronger and unlike the other women who loved you. You see, we will survive despite you! Katie and I will survive for years to come without needing a thing from you.”
Anger had crept back into my words and my heart. I stood over his frame---fist clenched, glowering, just daring him to fight back. Suddenly, I realized how frail he looked from that angle.
The anger disguised the slight draw on the left side of his face. Though I could see the hands, once strong and powerful…to the point of being frightening…until that moment, I hadn’t noticed the spots of age, the tissue paper that was really his skin, or the hand curled and gnarled….an obvious side effect of the stroke. He really wasn’t exactly the same. Sally had been right.
At the realization, I relaxed and calmed in one movement. “Poppa, I just wanted to say, I forgive you. Ok? There’s nothing you can do to me now. And I really am a better woman for the things you’ve done in the past.” I was trying to offer him something. I took out a picture from my jacket pocket and laid it on his table.
“She looks like Mama. She’s nine now, and she’s really excited to be getting a father next month. I’m getting married, Poppa, but I had to tell you these things first.”
James Lee Marsh had always been a hard, stubborn man, and he wasn’t about to let my words move him. And so he sat, stoic, like a statue just staring at the wall.
“Goodbye, Poppa. And this time I really won’t be back.”
With that I walked out. I wasn’t running away this time, but I was running. I was running toward the life that was out there for me, and for Katie. I was running toward the happiness that was out there for the both of us. “Yes,” I thought, “the therapist was right after all. I needed this. It was the only way I could move on. I had to accept my past and know it helped me to become the strong woman I am today. Yes, I had to do this.”
I stopped by the kitchen to tell Sally goodbye. She cried when I told her I would never be back. Then we both cried as we hugged for the last time. I did slip my card in her apron pocket with the numbers at which I could be reached.
She pulled it out and looked first at it and then at me. “Just in case, Sally. You ever need me, you ever need to leave this place. God knows I don’t know how you’ve stayed this long. Keep it in a safe place so you will know how to reach me. Okay?”
Tears still in her eyes, all she could do was nod as she placed the card back in her apron and reach for my hand one last time. She held it for a few seconds before the bell started ringing from the library.
“I better let you go tend to him. He’s still got a temper I see.”
“Not so bad these last few years, baby.” She was still protecting him. I never would understand that about her.
“Yeah, well, I got to go. I have people who love and need me and who are waiting for me back at home. I love you Sally. You have been a wonderful mother to me. I learned everything I ever really needed to know from you. Thank you for that. I love you. Goodbye.”
I turned without another word. I walked out the screen door knowing I would never be back. But this time there was no crawling and no fear. My head was held high. My eyes focused straight ahead, and each step was deliberate and confident.
I knew life would be much better now. The drive back was brighter, even in the light of dusk, I could feel the warmth of life ahead of me. No more gloom blocking the light from the world around me. No more blame for the things that had happened to me. It was time, here and now. No more excuses, and no more fear holding me back.
I had almost made it home when my cell phone rang. Still feeling the hope of what was ahead of me, I answered with a bright and cheery, “Hello!”
“Beth, baby.” It was Sally, and I could tell she had been crying, “He’s gone. Yore poppa passed sometime after you left. Doc Adams said it was most likely another stroke. But he was holding that baby’s picture when he passed. He’s gone, he’s really gone.” There was an uncertainty in her voice, but I wasn’t sure if it was directed at me or if she was just unsure where she was supposed to go now. She had worked at Marsh Oaks nearly all her adult life. It was going to hard on Sally, very hard. I listened and told her I would call when I got home to help set up arrangements. As the only living immediate family member the responsibility would be mine.
I hung up thinking about all that had happened in the last twenty-four hours and found myself
crying. Tears rolled down my face, and I had to pull over to the side of the road.
I cried for my mother and grandmother. I cried for myself and for Katie. And then, I cried for Poppa. I knew I loved him still, and it was sad to think his days ended so lonely. He spent his life trying to hold everyone else down and in place so he could stay in control…and it led him to becoming his own prisoner because he didn’t know how to let go and be happy watching those he loved spread their wings. I cried for an hour on the side of the road letting go of all the heartache of the last ten years. Finally I knew that the chains of James Lee Marsh were finally broken, and we were all free. Each of us, even Sally, was free…..and finally it felt good.
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